As Malcolm Gladwell pointed out in his New York Times best seller, The Tipping Point, hairstylists have a unique ability to be connectors and mavens spreading and sharing important information and ideas about life to their clients. In Gladwell’s example, a hairstylist is able to share information with hundreds of clients at her beauty salon about pertinent health issues that her clients should be aware of and checked for regularly. As a result of her word-of-mouth epidemic, this hairstylist was able to share an important message with a lot of people in a short amount of time.
Today, my hairstylist shared a message with me too. When I checked in at the front desk, my hairstylist asked me for my maiden name since I had started going to him before I had gotten married. I replied that my maiden name is actually still my last name because I did not change my name when I got married. Therefore, there was no need for him to change the information in the computer.
To this information he replied, “I do not like that at all.”
I came right back with, “Well, I do not care at all.” Shocked and perturbed at his comment on my life choice, I wanted him to know that his opinion about my last name really did not matter to me. It was my choice not his. “I’m a feminist. I don’t believe in changing my last name.” He chuckled, which irritated me further and obviously elicited a longer explanation from me about why I chose to keep my last name when I got married. I have plenty of educated reasons, so he got more than he bargained for I’m sure.
What I wanted to say was I don’t care at all what you think. I don’t tell you what decisions to make with your partner, so don’t tell me what decisions to make with mine. My husband knew who he was marrying years before we said “I do.” My feminist state was not a newsflash to him. In fact, I’m pretty sure that one of the reasons my husband loves me is because I never do anything without having a reason for doing it. And, I stand up for what I believe in. It’s a good thing I’m married to a man who is not threatened by a strong woman. My husband doesn’t need me to deny my own identity by taking on his. (Not that all people who take their spouse's last name are denying their own identities. I completely respect a person’s right to choose what s/he does with his/her last name upon marriage. It is his/her choice and his/ her name. However, this is just what I wanted to say to him because I was angry. Okay, back to my ranting hypothetical response.) We are two individuals who share an important common value: each other. I’m married to a man who appreciates my individuality and my tenacity to stand up for what I believe in. He does not take my lack of traditional practices as a form of disrespect towards him, his family, or our marriage. He loves me for me. So I’m sorry that you don’t like it at all that I did not change my name when I got married, but my husband-- the man that I’m married to—does like it because that is what makes me me—the woman that he fell in love with and the woman he is still married to today.
I wanted to say all of those things to this small-minded person who thought he could change my behavior by announcing his disapproval with my life decisions. But, I didn’t say most of those things for two reasons: (1) I did not want to denounce his lifestyle the way he was denouncing mine and (2) my hair was in his hands. Instead, I opted for the academic argumentative approach and provided him with all of the historical, research-based reasons for my decision. He did not have to like them, but while I was sitting there he really did not have a choice but to listen to them. Today, my hairstylist may have set out to send a message to me that he thought people should preserve prehistoric traditions of marriage, but in the end, I think I sent a stronger message: Don’t edit the life choices that people make. As long as their choices are not physically causing you harm, keep your unasked for opinions to yourself. If you are planning to share your opinions, be prepared for some refutation. After all, you started the debate from the moment you said “I do not like…”
I don’t think I could imagine you getting mad prof. I agree with you keeping your last name, my mother also kept her last name. The reason women took on their husbands name was because women were considered property. It’s good you didn’t say majority of those things to him because a person that is cutting your hair should not hate you. I would never upset my barber because I love my hair more than anything on this earth.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mohammad. I appreciate your positive reinforcement. :)
ReplyDeleteYour welcome prof.
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